My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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