Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
