Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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