this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
