I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Randomize
