i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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