she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
