Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
