I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
