Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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