Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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