Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
