C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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