I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
