that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Tornado booty call.. dedication
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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