I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
