do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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