covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
