Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
