that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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