just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
