tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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