Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
