I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
