Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
