I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
