After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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