U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
