My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
