I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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