I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
