Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
what day is it and did you see me today?
where does the pee come out of this thing
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
