Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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