Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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