In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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