pedialite and red bull = repair kit
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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