Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
