I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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