you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize