someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
