when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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