I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
