She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
