Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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