Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
