You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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