My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
