it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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