Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
