Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
