He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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