Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
