The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
