I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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