I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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