Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I should be sponsored by Trojan
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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