i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
