I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
