I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
