dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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