They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
