I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
