he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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